OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
