and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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