Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
