So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
