My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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