I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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