That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize