I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
