all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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