Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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