he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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