I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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