it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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