the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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