her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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