When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
tequila makes me forget i have legs
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
