You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
