i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
