Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
