We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
