the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
