she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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