I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
She told me I should be a condom model.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
50% drunk capacity currently
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
