Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
