She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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