I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
