i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
You took a bar mat shot.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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