EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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