Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
either way he was missing a nipple.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Randomize
