Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Randomize
