my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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