god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I love black thongs
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
