Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Randomize