I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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