I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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