i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
