Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
