I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
