I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
