The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
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