I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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