he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
