Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I cut my penus on the lid.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
