I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
