It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
