Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
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