I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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