I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
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