My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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