paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
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