and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
