I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
